I am struggling with so many things this week. So much that should be right has gone awry, and there is so little I can do about any of it. I guess that is part of life, when things are seeming to go well, they take a turn towards uncertainty and that undermine's everything.
There is sometimes an overwhelming urge to go, to leave everything behind and simply walk away. Away from troubles and fears, away from the life that binds, surrendering your burdens for the freedom of the unknown.
Such a simple decision, with so many ramifications, with so many consequences and a price that may not be borne by you alone. Just walk away, and let the world deal with it. Walk away towards something different and distant, where you can begin anew, become someone other than yourself, grey and tired and worn out, something other than threadbare, where you can discard all the mistakes made and make new choices and a new life.
Such a simple choice, and so simple to enact, if you are willing enough.
I have had that feeling, that urge, a few times over the years, and I have yet to act on it. I understand its beguiling appeal, the temptation and the promise of it is all but intoxicating, with its possibilities and its freedoms. I feel it now.
Yet to do so would abandon the hope and joy of the now, no matter how fractured and pain-ridden they may be. To abandon my burdens is to abandon much of what I have struggled for, and to leave unexplored the possibilities and hopes that I know and hold precious now, for something ephemeral and fleeting and unknowable.
The one thing that goes with you when you leave is you, with all your attendant fears and worries and doubts and regrets. You can change the situation, you can remove yourself from the environment, yet that means little if you cannot deal with yourself, if you cannot change and evolve beyond those fears towards hope and happiness.
And so I stay. I hope I change, for the better. I hope I keep my head high and my heart light, that despite it all there is something worth striving for, no matter how impossible it may seem at times.
The truth is, there is something worth striving for, no matter what it entails and what it costs, and I will not, and cannot, abandon that. Not without knowing, not without seeing if it can be achieved. Not without trying.