I am not sure what to do. fabergemonkey.com was originally set up to be my place to think, air thoughts and to pour all the personal stuff into the open. It was, in the main, anonymous and was very, very personal.
Looking back through the last three and a half years of that shows that. There is a large chunk of myself in those posts, particularly the early ones, much of it raw and open and uninhibited.
But times change. People I knew began to know about fabergemonkey. I, eventually, accepted this, and I and it have become somewhat synonymous. And along the way the blog lost something.
I think it lost me.
And I don't know what to do about it. I know every blogger goes through this phase, every one of them looks back with nostalgia, and looks at the current with despair. Has all that needs to be said been said? Is there anything personal left to say, to write about, to share? Am I comfortable doing so?
I don't think I am. I keep thinking about having another anonymous, out of the way, in the backwaters of the internet, unconnected blog, one just for me, and for any poor sod who stumbles across it. I keep thinking that is the way to go, and that fabergemonkey should die a dignified death, rather than the long drawn out, dreary, insipid end it seems to be coming to.
fabergemonkey got hijacked. And I am not sure by what. The less brave, less open, less honest me, perhaps.
fabergemonkey, in the early days, has raw stuff, that seemed to connect with people, that asked questions of me, and them, and meant something. I talked about death, not having children, fear, my dad, regrets and me. I bled as relationships ended and friends passed away. There are ridiculous, happy posts too; triumphs, observations, b-boy vids and bristol photographs. All of it mattered, to me. And all of that stuff still matters, is still here, present, beneath the surface.
And yet I can't talk about it. Not any more. Not here.
I really don't know what to do about it.