Today I am exhausted. I am tired. I am rent. I am sitting here, on my sofa, catching up on blogs, somehow hoping that the outside world will make me feel a little better. And, strangely, in some very small ways it has. Shauna Glenn's two recent posts (Not that its all Croc'ed up to be and Beautiful Misery) both put things into perspective and put a smile on my face, no matter how brief and sad and small it may have been. Mary's recent book related post reminded me of the things I could do to get through this, and the DailySnark's post Binge and Purge reminded me that this is probably the best time to sweep away some of the relentless accretion of life that has built up around me. PleaseKissOff's Reading in July post has reminded me that I have accomplished very little reading this last few months and maybe I should rediscover it again. Jessica's Meandering Thoughts post highlights to me that these things happen and life is about picking yourself up, learning and moving on. And that cake is very important too.
Last night the Girl and I split up, ending three and half years of a relationship that has seen the last third gradually deteriorate into unhappiness, quarrelling, disappointment and sadness. That isn't to say we haven't had high points, we have, but there has been a slow descent to where we are and we can't deny that any longer.
The hard part is that we still love each other. I know I am the main culprit; whatever my expectations of the Girl, I have become more remote and withdrawn over the last few months. She has tried so very hard to make things work, and for some reason I just haven't been able to respond, to work at it in the way she and the relationship deserves.
I have not been the best of boyfriends. I know it. But as ever, the knowing is too late, the understanding too little.
I do love her. She is a wonderful, clever and caring person. I will miss her quirkiness and her unique way of looking at the world. But I don't know if I can change quickly enough, and she doesn't know if she can take any more. Neither of us want the continued pain of the last year. Neither of us wants that for the other.
And so it ends.