I am sitting here, at my kitchen table, listening to 'California Dreaming' on the ipod dock thingy, chatting with the Flatmate about the red-light district of Amsterdam and the influence of Dutch history on the British coat-of-arms, all the while tickling my very affectionate cat. I wish my days were more like this, full of simple things; good coffee, friendship, cats, off-the-wall conversations and words reeling themselves of the production line into sentences and paragraphs and chapters and stories.
I manage change. This is my job and the 'career' I have fallen into. I manage change in organisations and teams, on projects, and currently on the building of very big things. Sometimes change is about the balance of people versus process, sometimes it is about wielding the big stick and the subtle knife, sometimes it is coercion, sometimes honesty and reasoning. Much of the time it is the simple processing of data, a relentless treadmill of frustration and the temporary stemming of the tide of failure.
Change is a fundamental part of nature. Things stay the same, but they change nonetheless. Life changes, people change, the world changes from moment to moment.
I hate my job. I loathe it. Don't misunderstand me, the people I work with are great; clever, skilled, hard-working. But they are working against a process and a system that does not let them innovate, that constrains them and restricts their ability to bring real solutions to very real problems.
Every morning is filled with dread. I feel sick. Sometimes I sit at my computer and I shake. I see the emails and tasks and sheer inertia of inevitable failure pile up ever higher in front of me. I do not want to do this anymore. I am not sure I can.
It is time for a change.
So I am looking, for a job, for something different, something meaningful, something that fills me with joy (or at least a smile) when I think of it.
Ultimately I want to be a writer, or a photographer, ideally both. I am at my happiest when doing one or the other. I love the spilling of words onto paper and screen, I love seeing an image in the world and taking it, capturing it and bringing it to its potential. I love imagining and creating.
Yet this is some way off. I cannot afford to take the financial hit whilst I work at this long term goal. So I am left with finding something else, where I can bring the skills and knowledge I have to bear, where I can contribute in ways I cannot at the moment.
So today I am sitting here, looking for jobs and swearing as each one hits rejected pile. I am looking and searching and seeking. I will find something, even if I am not sure how or what it will be. I can no longer do what I currently do. I am changing many things, and this has to be one of those things.
To quote @gothick, a fellow twitterer, 'maybe it's time for a leap of faith'.
They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom. ~Confucius