ghostchild knows you
holds your name
has the child of you
amidst his brood
ghostchild, monkey – gifts
ghostchild brought memory
and bitter rage
bequeathed us hatred
and taught us age
monkey crafted mercy
and melancholy
wrapped us in dreams
and the meaning of folly
ghostchild sang terror
whispered sadness
taught us weariness
and bound with blindness
monkey constructed hope
carved in caution
dug up happiness
and played compassion
ghostchild knotted greed
and bandied fears
and doubting voices
that played with tears
monkey battled
and fought all fronts
ghostchild simply sat
and won
history
I’ve been having a little conversation with an old friend on Facebook, following a post of mine about how wonderful the Artist was. She mentioned that, as the last book series I recommended was one she ended up loving, she would definitely go and see this.
And it has brought back a flood of memories. J was always an enigma; smart, funny, full of poise, with the loveliest of smiles and a nature to match. And we got on, which, somehow over the years I had forgotten. She mentioned a while ago that she still had the copy of the Hobbit I had bought her for her eighteenth birthday. That was amazing, and touching; that she had remembered, and that she still had it.
Anyway, I was flicking through her facebook page with the intent of messaging her to ask to catch up one day when I glanced down her friends list. So many of them I knew. So many of them were close, good friends. Like J I haven’t seen any of them in more years than I care to remember.
They are all older. They have families, children, other halves, lives, jobs, houses. They have accumulated twenty years of history in the time since I knew them. Twenty years.
So much has happened to me in that time. So much hasn’t. So much has for them. They are the people I knew, and loved, and cared for… and yet they aren’t.
Am I who I was back then? Yes and no. Are they? Yes and no.
The same and yet different. I’d like to meet up with her, and one or two of the others. To reminisce. To remember. To find out more; more about them, who they have become, what changed them, what their dreams are, where their hopes lie. I want to know about the them of the now, and reconcile that to the them of the past.
It is weird. I feel like the black sheep of that particular family, off on my own tangent. I don’t have a family, there are no children for me. I never married, I have no intention to. I don’t own my own home, my own business, my own dog (I have cats). I feel like there is this massive gulf between us. A gulf that existed back then now amplified by twenty years of disparate history. A gulf of my own making perhaps.
Looking back, the sliver that was our shared history seems thin and fragile, not deep enough to anchor us in the now, to bridge that gulf.
But perhaps it doesn’t matter. Perhaps all that matters is the memory of birthday presents, laughter and friendship. Perhaps what matters isn’t what has changed, but what was; all those bright, clever eighteen year olds about to embark on their divergent histories.
Perhaps new histories can be built from the memories of the past; over a cup of coffee, cake, a simple chat. Perhaps that is all it takes.
I hope so.
Bloodied (The Company) – #fridayflash
They were battered.
Owlish stared at the ground, exhaustion making her eyes blur and her hands tremble.
“Fuck,” said Steeltoe as he crashed to the ground, sprawling beneath the weak afternoon sun.
Talent crouched down beside, slapping her hand on his chest wearily.
“Did you see Diamond? And Pamphlet?”
He groaned in response. Owlish found herself sitting on the ground, her legs finally giving up.
“Both of them, up through the gap. I think they killed everybody up there. And not a fucking mark on either of them.” Owlish blinked. She’d seen some of it, hadn’t believed it then and still didn’t believe it now.
It has been a nightmare. More than that. An ambush. One they had had no choice but to walk in to. And they had been badly bloodied because of it.
She forced herself to her feet, cinching her carbine into place. She hurt. Really hurt. In her bones and in her head.
She had to know. Had to know who had made it and who hadn’t.
There were bodies everywhere. Most were moving, exhaustion and the after-math of battle leaving them shaking, heaving messes. She came across Belvue, kneeling beside two bodies. He glanced up.
“Siskin. JemJem.”
She closed her eyes and swallowed. One veteran, one rookie.
“Others?” she asked.
“I think we lost nine more. Baska, Chent, Velum, Hart, not sure who else.”
He stopped, rubbed his face, holding his hand over his eyes for a long moment before looking back up at her. The weariness in his face scared her.
“I’ve got Torvey and some others gathering them in now. We may lose another six if the medics can’t stabilise them.”
He named some names. Tamper was one of them. Fuck.
She nodded her thanks, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder and squeezing.
She walked away. She wanted to cry.
Another fucking mess.
They were getting slaughtered out here.
***
Last week I wrote what was effectively the last hurrah for Owlish, the Colonel, Torvey and the rest of the Company. These story pre-dates that one, and I plan to write more of these, that slowly move back through time towards the origins of the Company, of Owlish and her ramshackle collection of companions. I hope you like them.
The Paladin – #fridayflash
She stood in the tunnel, in the cold and damp. The darkness gathered at the edge of her torchlight; silent, brooding, somehow knowing.
Knowing that she was afraid.
Faith and blood and steel, she said, inwardly, suddenly loathe to break the quiet.
She waited.
Waited.
Nothing.
She took a step, and then another, and then walked on.
Faith and blood and steel.
The Seven – part two – #serialtuesday
The towers were ghostly, shimmering gently in the dark light of the Sister. They were unfeasibly tall; slender needles that reached far into the sky, born from the worn remnants that lay crumpled across the ground around him. Fragile looking bridges spanned the spaces between them, creating a sparse un-patterned web above.
He leant back, resting against the ruin of one such tower, gazing upwards into the dark sky. Sister’s Night, when she shone fully, uncloaked and such memories as these were revealed. A night of portent, happenstance and mercurial events. Nights that were becoming all too rare, as she retreated before the coming convergence of her siblings the Twins, he thought with sadness.
The Sister had crossed a quarter of the sky by the time he roused himself, stiff from lying motionlessly for so long. He rolled his blanket, slinging it across his shoulder. He felt vaguely comforted by its weight and warmth, yet he strode quickly through ghosts of streets and towers. He reached the edge of the city, walking through the shadow of the wall that had once been there, failing to suppress a shudder as he did so. He walked into the scrubland beyond, following the faint remnants of what once must have been a road, long since gone. A few minutes later he was climbing a gentle hill, turning just before its summit to gaze back at the once-city, its towers and walls ethereal and haunting.
After a long moment he turned again, pausing as he reached the summit, staring down at a camp-fire where there should have been a fire unlit, and two horses where there should have been one. He frowned, and found himself gripping the handles of the two Shames. He took a deep breath, letting go of the long blades and descended the hill.
As he approached the camp-fire he realised that the owner of the other horse was seated at the edge of the light cast by the campfire, seemingly relaxed and patient. He entered the light, dropping his blanket by his bedroll, eyeing the woman waiting for him.
She was tall, even when sitting down it was more than evident. She was dressed in plain leather armour, her hair dark and plaited, silver thread running through it. A veil of fine silver mesh hid the lower part of her face, dark eyes that were kohled in glittering midnight. With that he knew who she was and the sudden chill undid the benefit of the fire. He knelt by it, holding his hands to the warmth to hide his dismay, and then looked up at her.
“Lady Grief.” he said, and waited, unsure what to do next.
She tilted her head slightly, as if in consideration.
“Bava Ren. You are a hard man to find. Inconsiderately so.”
He broke eye contact and looked back down at the fire. He shrugged.
“I did not think anybody would care where I was.”
“The whole world wonders at what you do, and why. And, indeed, as to where you are. Which is here. In the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of a city tens of thousands of years dead.”
He could hear the impatience in her voice. He swallowed, eyes averted, staring blindly at the flames. Lady Grief, he thought, whom it was said that it was unwise to frustrate. Lady Grief of the Veil, one of the Bound, sometimes referred to as the Veiled. Irritated. With him.
He took a deep breath and forced his gaze back to hers. It would not do to be afraid. To be cowed by this one. It would not do.
“I bear the Queen’s Mark. I am Unbound. I go where I will.” He said, surprised at the calmness in his voice.
She stared at him, and nodded once.
“Yes, yes, you do, don’t you?”
He waited, easing himself back into a more comfortable sitting position.
It was a while before she answered.
“I have come to ask… a favour of you. Something I nor any other Bound can do.”
“And that is, Lady Grief?”
She leant forward then, her eyes glittering in the firelight.
“I need you to kill someone. Someone special. Someone even more special than you, Bava Ren Shame-bearer.”
resolutions and goals
I dislike the word ‘resolutions’ as it always seems to be a positive-negative word; aimed at fixing something that is ‘broken’ or needs, well, resolving. I prefer goals, and here you will find some of mine for this year.
- Run a marathon (and possibly an ultra-marathon)
- Reduce my weight to 12 stone
- Finish writing my novel
- Complete a year of writing Friday Flashes and Tuesday Serials
- Be a better person
- Save up enough money to go to Japan or Vietnam/Cambodia early next year
- Cycle to work at least half the days in a month
- Be a better person (no, really)
- Remember the birthdays of family and friends
- Evolve my running to five times a week
- Visit the family in the USA
- Take my mum to Morocco
- Enjoy life as much as possible
Buy fewer books- Try and maintain a minimum ratio of books read to books bought of 1:4 (being realistic here)
What are your goals for the year? Anything of significant oddness?
bits and bobs and stuff
I haven’t done one of these in a long while, but as I am in a surprisingly upbeat mood…
***
This weekend I took an old friend to the airport for her month long trip to South America and, as is usually the case, she has lent me her car whilst she is away.
And it is bloody addictive. And convenient. And easy to use. And…
Bugger. I don’t need a car, I know this, and what I am not spending on a car can go elsewhere and not having a car means I maintain a decent level of fitness. But what a siren owning a car is. It isn’t helped by the fact that I have spent the best part of £300 on the City Car Club during November/December.
EF was surprised at how tense and aggressive I get when in a car (just more so, I am pretty laid back generally) and today’s trip into work highlighted that feeling of tension, and the fact I missed my walk into work from the train station. And I missed being able to read whilst I did so.
Hmmm. I am of a mind to see how I feel in the summer and decide then. But a big part of me is adamant that I stay car-less.
***
I ran 4.7 miles this evening, and it felt good. That is a lie. The first 1.5 miles were horrendous, painful, awkward, heavy, etc. After that it got much easier and I finished quite strongly, which was immensely pleasing.
A far cry from being able to run 17 miles only 2 2.5 months ago, but then I have hardly run since then, so it isn’t unsurprising. Ah well, I will soon recover it if I train as I have planned.
***
On the subject of planning and training I have signed up for the following during 2012:
- The Weston-super-mare Tough Ten (February)
- The Forest of Dean Half-marathon (April)
- The Mull of Kintyre Half-marathon (June)
- The Loch Ness Marathon (September)
I’m toying with the Bristol 10k (if I am not in the US) and the Sodbury Slog in November. If I do go to the USA I am thinking about entering something over there in May.
We shall see!
***
There is an awful lot of writing going on here at the moment, although most of it isn’t to do with the novel in progress. There is the Tuesday Serial (based on the first draft of 2011′s abortive NaNoWriMo fantasy effort), Friday Flash (which may or may not be based around the Company, subject of my first Friday Flash post), the Ghostchild and Golden Monkey series and adhoc Watershed Writers Block challenges.
The first three are generally posted on Tuesday (obviously), Friday (obviously, again) and Sunday. Just so you know.
***
The ever lovely Dolly Garland has had a snoop at my bookshelves (well, she asked some questions). If you are interested you can find the post here.
***
Finally, before you are all bored to tears, I am going to bite the bullet and grow a magnificent beard… like this:
or this:
ghostchild and golden monkey – bad man
Bad man
In a sad place
All alone
Holding the hand
Of the slaughtered ones
The breath
Of their last breathing
Trickling like wayward smoke
Through the dampness of
His fingers
And the bad man
Just sits
And sighs
And wonders that
The dimness does not fade
The raging does not quiet
The burning in his head
Is a monologue
A ranting of something darker
Than the blood upon his face
And he cannot understand
Why his tears are so grimy
His lips ravaged by black muck
His lungs dance so madly
And in his darkness
Beneath a cage of flesh
And unreal bone
Hurt is blossoming
In a garden of swaying aches
And he cannot ask
He cannot see
Or hear or smell
Or simply just divine
A single reason why
#fridayflash – In Anticipation of an Unexpected End
“I can’t believe we get paid to do this shit.”
“What?”
“You know, lay down our lives for blah-blah-blah-blah.”
He blinked at her. Owlish smiled back at him.
“Have you seen it down there? It’s a fucking mess.”
The Colonel settled back and scowled at her.
“It’s what we do, Owlish, its what we do.”
“Yes, but its a fucking mess down there.”
“You’ve been in messes before, you’ve survived. Its just the same again.”
“Fuck that,” said Torvey, staring over the edge of the wall, “I ain’t never seen no fuckin’ mess quite like that fuckin’ mess.” He sat back down, pressing his helmet down on his head with one hand, as if it might make a dash for freedom.
“Fuckin’ people are gettin’ fuckin’ murdered down there.” He continued.
“Gotta earn our dollar somehow, people.” Said the Colonel, tipping his hat over his eyes as he leant back against his pack.
“Why does he keep saying that?” asked someone, “And what the fuck is a dollar anyway?”
“Some sort of credit. Pay.” Someone else answered.
“What the fuck is pay?” asked the same complainant.
There was a brief outburst of chuckling. Someone smacked a helmet, receiving a muffled curse in response. They all settled back in silence, listening to sounds coming from down below. Even here they could hear the tumult of that mess. Owlish thought she could hear the the screams of the dying. She scowled.
“Proper end of the world stuff, that.” Someone said, quietly. Belvue, she thought, always to the chase, that one.
“Well, it is.” Jackson.
“Who’d a thunk it?” Tamper.
“Fuckin’ mess.” Torvey.
Owlish closed her eyes and listened to the continuing to-ing and fro-ing of the words, drinking in the familiarity of the voices. Familiar as family. More so even. They were fucking family. Too many lost though, too many missing, buried in mud and shit and ash. She missed them. All of them.
She laughed then, silently, to herself. End of the world indeed. Fuck.
Silence settled, each buried in their own thoughts.
Her watch beeped. Around her arose a chorus of similar beeps. Someone swore softly.
Owlish straightened up and stood.
“Right.” She said, and paused, suddenly at a loss.
“Yeah. Right. Fuckin’ end of the world fuckin’ mess.” Torvey stretched and yawned. They were all standing then, gathering equipment, strapping their shit to themselves as if this time wasn’t any different.
You never knew, thought Owlish, you never knew. She laughed again.
The Colonel was the last to stand, as always, rolling his hat as he did so, stuffing it into its usual sack. He glanced at each of them, taking his time, nodding once in approval, receiving nods and grimaces in return.
“Right, people,” he said, “let’s go…” he paused then and thought, a rare smile breaking across his face. “Let’s go and do this one for free.”

