The week that was

This has been one of the weirdest weeks I’ve had in a long time. It started off a week last Friday with a bad toothache, ending up in an emergency root canal on Tuesday. In the meantime EF suffered stomach pains, resulting in her smacking her head against a door and a trip to A&E with suspected appendicitis. She was kept in overnight, scanned, released and then was back in for an op the next day. A lot of waiting was involved but thankfully she is recovering nicely.

Late Saturday afternoon I decided to pop home on my bike to pick up some bits. I came around the corner onto the path to the underpass, dabbed my brakes to take some speed off, as i normally do. The next thing I knew I was over the handle bars and crashed chest first into the end of one of the steel and concrete bollards blocking the underpass.

Prognosis: possible cracked ribs, definitely badly bruised. And lots of lovely uber-drugs to keep me moving.

Suffice to say it hasn’t been the best week for EF and myself, especially when you consider her birthday was on Thursday and mine in Sunday. Hopefully next year’s will be less eventful.

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As a very cool aside, EF bought me two fantastic poetry books for my birthday; Full Blood by John Siddique and That Awkward Age by Roger McGough. Awesome.

 

Spikes and stuff

Yesterday was a pretty good day, not least because I serendipitously bumped into a number of people I know, met up with someone as planned and met someone whom I had only known through Twitter. It was also the annual Spike Island Open weekend, which is where I met up with Matt (@gothick) and said hello to @bertyc (whose name I think is Roberta) who is as lovely in real life as she is on Twitter.

Matt and I had a good wander around the Spike Island exhibitions, studios and cafes, unwittingly participated in an oatmeal/porridge based performance piece and had a lovely chat and brownie at the Olive Shed on the waterfront. The performance piece itself was fantastic fun, and involved watching a cooking show on a screen whilst… well, at the end goggles and gloves were donned… and Matt and I got oatmealed. With a leaf-blower.

Matt also demonstrated his talent at grand larceny although he didn’t actually steal anything.

 

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Thanks to Pete and Louise for their comments, and Nik for his email re: my previous post about my lack of confidence with writing. It has helped, and is very much appreciated.

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I am writing this whilst sat in A&E with EF, who isn’t very well and managed to bang her head on a door as a result first thing this morning. So far she is okay. As ever the BRI staff have been fantastic and have been looking after her, although we have just been told she will be kept in today and tonight pending further observation and investigation.

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EF has introduced me to Boggle. She kicks my butt at it.

 

Some of it is a bit rubbish

I am in one of this funny places at the moment. The running is non-existent, the writing is going through a massive crisis of confidence and I am in the middle of a job change (possibly).

Everything else is pretty damned fine otherwise.

The job thing is just distracting, a situation somewhat exacerbated by the fact that the HRs of the company I work for and the company I am hoping to be seconded into are still debating the particulars of my package, with no one else (me, managers, directors, whomever) any the wiser about what is happening. Typically HR I guess.

The two other things are what worry me, although the running does to a lesser extent. I know that if I just get out of the house and onto the path and start running that the love and the joy of it will eventually come back.

The writing is something I am really struggling with. Badly. Let me illustrate. Five weeks ago I started Nik Perring‘s well regarded flash fiction writing course. Five weeks later I am still yet to deliver my first assignment to him. The poor man has been most patient with me.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing (although there has been an element of that), it is a lot to do with me writing something, reading it, rewriting it and then doing the digital equivalent of screwing it up and throwing it in the bin. I pretty much am disliking everything I write at the moment.

Somewhere do I go from here? Well, this weekend is a free one. Other than lunch with a friend on Saturday and a night out with EF on Sunday I am free. So for much of Saturday to Monday will be spent writing, getting words down without analysing or worrying about it. I may even get a run in.

 

the happiest day…

Ordinarily conversations with my colleagues ranges from the slightly rude to the bizarre, rarely dipping into topics of any real depth.

Today A asked the rest of us what the happiest day of our lives were. And it was surprisingly difficult to say. S responded with a day when his wife had just given birth, he had just been made redundant and had been for an interview only to be rung on the way home by the interviewers offering him the job. P’s was unexpectedly receiving the £1500 needed to buy his way out of the army, courtesy of his wife. Both were at pains to point out these were happy days but also very memorable.

What has been the happiest day of my life?

I have quite a few candidates, I suppose. The days my nephews and niece were born count highly, as does the very first time my brother rang me up for a chat, something he had never done before. What else? The first day I met and spent with EF is certainly high up the order. The second day of the first time I went walking along the Pembrokeshire Coastal Path was another; the weather was perfect, the air cool, the sun warm, the beaches photogenic and welcoming. Another was the day that my friend H and I went down to the O2 in London to watch Nine Inch Nails in concert. An awesome day.

In truth I think there can be no ‘happiest day’. Each gets twisted and changed by time, by events, by perceptions. They fade in significance or are reinforced. They change as we do.

I can’t tell you which is my happiest day, only that I have had a number of them; each valuable in its own merits. And to have some is much better than none, so in that I am content.

What is your happiest day? D you have one or, like me, several?

 

To run or not to run?

… Not to run.

The Forest of Dean Half is on in less than seven days and I am not ready. I haven’t run enough, trained enough and to be entirely honest, I am not enjoying running at all at the moment. Certainly not distances. The fitness is almost there but the conditioning isn’t and running hurts more than it should.

Of the four events I have booked this year, I am zero from two. Not good. And not where I wanted to be.

So, I am going to regroup, get my running head straight and aim for the Mull of Kintyre Half at the beginning of June, possibly via the Bristol 10K mid-May. And from there it will be the long haul to the marathon at the end of September.

the words

I am fresh from being in the audience to two events in BBC Radio 4′ superb More Than Words festival in Bristol. The second event was a live edition of Poetry Please with Roger McGough (very much one of my heroes) and the first was a recording of With Great Pleasure with Cerys Matthews (the second of which I have attended, the first one with Terry Pratchett as the guest).

And they were superb. And both, particularly Cerys’, with her superb reading and intense passion and playfulness, made me realise how little poetry I have both read and written over the last few years. And that is sad.

Cerys’ readings were particularly eovcative and intense, bring words, images and emotions to life. And that is the true power of poetry; that it taps in and enlivens, and that it allows the reader or listener to bring something of their own to the poem.

A little while ago EF showed me a letter she had received from the author Cynthia Voigt in response to a letter she had sent about Tell Me is Lovers are Losers? (below).

 

And there is a fundamental truth in it; that whatever an author or writer or poet unlocks with their words, it is only with the cooperation of the reader that they do so successfully, and not necessarily in the way they may intend. The relationship between the two, the (often) known author and the unknown reader is a fragile unpredictable one, and is far more powerful for it.

The plot of GK Chesterton’s Napoleon of Notting Hill is hinged upon the interpretation and belief in words, the single utterance of the King Auberon Quin, based entirely within his own devised all-encompassing joke, is taken as gospel by Adam Wayne, the young Napoleon of the story. And thus interpretation and belief swap backwards and forwards between the two, driven by the power of words, both uttered and heard.

Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven is one of my favourite poems to read aloud, full as it is with rhythm and rhyme and breathless power. It is a versatile poem, it can be slow and sonerous, or rampaging and rapturous, each word and sentence bringing fresh meaning with each different reading.

The written word finds its origins in the spoken word, the oral tradition stretching back to the times beyond knowing, each tale changing and morphing with each telling, malleable and morphous in the re-telling. Such stories evoked, combining with individual and cultural histories and interpretations to become much, much more than simple words spoken.

Emma Newman, author of 20 Years Later, is currently working on her Splitworlds project, and as part of that project she is writing and releasing a short story based in that world every week for a year and a day. A gifted writer, part of the seduction of her storywriting is that she also releases them in the spoken form, her voice lending further depth and emotion to stories already laden with the subtlety of those qualities.

A while ago I posted this from James Kirkup’s The Descent into The Cave:

The written word is a powerful thing, and spoken aloud it can be as powerful, if not more so. An essential part of that power is the relationship that forms between the author and the reader, the speaker and the listener. Whether writing or reading the act of reading aloud can be redefining act. When writing, remember not only your voice but that of the reader as well, in all its wonderful permutations and interpretations, bringing new meaning to your words and your stories, whatever you may have intended.

function and form

On the grounds that function and form are heavily intertwined, I’ve made some changes. They sound really minor and somewhat silly, but, on the basis that my environment is more than somewhat reflective of my state of being, they are necessary.

I am a great one for piles. No, not that sort of piles, but the ones comprising of a number of similar objects layered one upon another into a towering and distinctly unstable edifice. They are everywhere. Piles of paper, books, dvds, cds, console games, clothes, magazines, washing, washing up, etcetera, etc.

So I got rid of them; tidied them away, found their various places and put them neatly into them. And do I feel better for it? Very much so.

Sure, there is still the odd pile of books (okay, four of them) but that is a space issue. Everything else is tidy and pristine and lovely.

The next step is to get rid of stuff, to de-clutter and regurgitate up all that stuff hidden away in corners and cupboards and drawers. All that unnecessary stuff. And I think I’ll feel better for that too.

***

In three weeks time I run the Forest of Dean Half-marathon. I haven’t run in the last three weeks, and only a little in the last three months. I don’t have the mojo for it. I can’t seem to get out of the door with my running shoes on.

I don’t want to not run the FoD Half, it is an event I very much enjoyed last year and have managed to persuade a couple of people to do it this year. It is great fun, has a great atmosphere, and the views are, well, great.

So this evening it will be on with the shoes and shorts and things, and I will be out for a run. It will hurt. I know it will. Any residual fitness will be sorely tested and the weight gains will slow me down and make things harder. But they will be more painful and much harder on the 1st of April if I don’t deal with them now.

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Twitter is difficult at the moment. I feel as though I am very much estranged from it, or rather, my various groups of friends on it. I’m not sure why. After three years it almost feels like I have nothing to say, nothing interesting or fun, but then, well, I don’t know…

It is like being at a big dinner party, with all these conversations going on around you, whilst you sit in a pocket of separateness, at once removed. Unlike that situation, where you can simply lean forward, smile, and engage in that non-verbal dance of introduction and interest, Twitter doesn’t allow that. You are either saying something, or are silent and non-participatory.

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The writing, on the other hand, isn’t going too badly, which is a surprise. The WiP is a thing of fun, and I am enjoying writing it, even if it is a little difficult to work out in places. The joys of writing in both the first person and third person I guess.

Birthday bro

It’s my brother’s birthday today. Is He the best brother I could have? In some ways possibly not (you should see the texts he sends me) but in all the ways that count, absolutely.

Happy birthday Julian, ya great big lug.

 

 

Mocha

I am in a coffee shop, sipping a mocha and eating a cinnamon swirl. I am reading blogs, and an excellent book sits ready. There are only two other people in here, quietly chatting. The blues are playing, soft and muted. People pass by outside, the day ebbs into evening.

I need this moment away from work and home and grrr-aarrr-urggh! I need it a lot.

I could do with a week of this.

 

 

 

Can’t

At the moment I am struggling with a few things. To put it simply; I can’t write, I can’t run and I sure as hell can’t {insert whatever here}.

And it is frustrating the hell out of me.

A familiar refrain, yes?

Fuckit.